Until They Didn't Count Anymore
by AtomicSunset
Summary: It’s a weird feeling, counting down the minutes until they didn’t count anymore. Once by result, now by choice.


Crash.

The last cymbal note of the evening's set was met with thunderous applause. The guitar strings still resonated through the colossal speaker towers on either side of the stage as various impromptu memorabilia was thrown into the awaiting masses. A few guitar picks here. A broken drumstick there. The long silver-haired frontman even felt the need to peel the shirt off his own back for the fans, who would treasure it for a month or so before it became lost among piles of uses artifacts of memories forgotten in the back of someone's closet.

The musicians filed into the back room before the hype from the encore performance could die down, instruments left on stage for the roadies to deal with later. Awaiting their return backstage was a woman, dressed as if she were prepared to attend an afternoon tea with her grandmother, down to the modest pale-green ankle length skirt and lavender cardigan. To the untrained eye, she looked obscurely out of place at a show where the line-up consisted of some of the most influential post-hardcore bands of the day. Instead, she waltzed directly up to the five and started a somewhat jovial, if not forced, conversation.

"Great job tonight you guys," she said clapping a hand on one of the guy's shoulders, "Musically, it was on par with the usual, but your stage presence was incredible. Giving your all for the last show of the tour, eh?"

The woman addressing the exhausted group was known by the name of Sango, public relations director for the band, Adelaide. Her dark brown hair fell loose but straight down her back, despite the humidity of the room caused by hundreds of sweaty bodies, moshing in time with the beat, and her deep brown eyes shone with pride as she looked upon the others.

"Eh, it was nothing. Not like it was hard or anything," scoffed the shirtless man. His name, InuYasha, struck a chord in the hearts of millions with his personal triumph over a tragic past filled with death and despair, to become the musical success that he was. His eyes, and abnormally silver hair, reflected the wisdom of hardships beyond his years, while everything else about him exuded youthful arrogance and attitude.

"Nothing for you maybe. But you didn't have your equipment crap out on you half-way through the set," whined the band's smallest member, and keyboardist, Shippou, his mop of red hair falling in his face as he waved his hands around animatedly, "I'd like to see you try to fix a wiring problem while still singing back-up vocals!"

"Please tell me someone else saw the blonde chick with the bright pink shirt. Oh god, she was so hot!" Miroku, the band's resident pervert and bassist, typically started talking about some girl he saw in the crowd, even though it was common knowledge that Sango saw something special in the man. Only God knew what.

"Whatever, I don't know about you guys, but my playing was on fire tonight," proclaimed the other longer haired man of the group. Like Miroku's womanizing habits, Kouga's speeches of self-proclaimed guitar greatness had become a bit of an old hat trick, and were, therefore, promptly ignored.

"Whatever. It's over, and the best thing about tonight is that we don't have to be anywhere tomorrow," InuYasha's words were met with enthusiastic agreement as they headed off to go prepare for a night to, or rather, not, remember.

Left alone backstage was a woman nursing fresh wounds on her hands with the help of a first aid kit. She looked down at the blisters and raw spots on her finders before putting bandages over those that were bleeding. True, injuries like this came with her profession, but that didn't make them any more pleasant. Being the drummer for Adelaide had its ups and downs, but Kagome Higurashi wouldn't trade it for the world. The five had been together since their early days in high school, back before her midnight black tresses were streaked with artificial blue highlights or any of the guys could get other girls to look at them for more than a few seconds. Years later, at twenty-three, Adelaide had released their second mainstream album, which had just received gold certification, and had just finished their first nationwide headlining tour.

"Hey Kagome," called Sango as she approached the other woman, "You might want to go get cleaned up. Apparently we're meeting a bunch of people at a bar downtown."

"Really? Do I have to go?" she questioned. After living on a tour bus with four guys for the last six months, the only thing she wanted to do was take a long, hot bath at the hotel, grab a glass of pinot gris and maybe read a book.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Sango said, earnestly apologetic, "This is the last outing of the tour. Kind of expected that the entire band show. Don't worry. It's just one night. Starting tomorrow you got a month and a half off before the summer festivals start."

Kagome just sighed. She knew that she couldn't get out of it. Living in such close quarters with the others was beginning to take its toll on her and the last thing that she wanted to do was go to a bar and watch the guys shamelessly hook up with idiotic fan girls, who so willingly threw themselves at them. But it was like Sango said; only one more night and then she'd be headed home to visit friends and family. Not to mention the two week trip to the Caribbean that she had been secretly planning for months.

Grabbing a clean black t-shirt and a pair of red and black stripped arm warmers, she went to meet the others at the back of the building. Approaching them, Kagome spared a look of deep loathing at the cigarette held lightly between Kouga's lips.

"Do you really have to smoke those things all the time?" she inquired as the small group headed off in the direction of the bar.

"What do you mean?" he questioned arrogantly. The others just rolled their eyes.

"What? Do you smoke those so you won't get fat or something?" Kagome laughed, "It destroys your lungs so you can't exercise at all! Even InuYasha was smart enough to quit, and he's an idiot."

"Hey!" InuYasha protested. Kagome, however, ignored him to continue chastising Kouga.

"Seriously man, it'll kill your vocals and we need your sound."

"It won't hurt me that bad right now," Kouga reasoned, arrogantly.

"Whatever man." She wasn't in the mood to continue arguing with him. Kouga's arrogance was something that she had grown accustomed to over the years. At the beginning of their friendship, he had even had the audacity to claim that she was his 'woman,' effectively scaring off anyone she was interested in at the time. Although after a few years, countless hours of attempting to convince him otherwise, and a few black eyes and bloody lips, courtesy of InuYasha, who was sick of the animosity between band members, Kouga was finally able to accept that his feelings were merely one-sided.

The group had finally reached their destination after a short while, and walked over the threshold of the busy bar. For a Tuesday, the small room seemed abnormally cramped. It appeared that word of their adventure had leaked and much of that evening's of-age audience had made their way over in hopes of having a conversation or, even, hooking up with one of the members of the band. None were surprised by this, however, as it was a common occurrence after shows, although tonight's turnout was surprisingly large.

Again, Kagome cursed the fact that she was forced to give up her night of solitude to come out. A large, noisy crowd mixed with her bad mood made a perfect recipe for someone to end the evening hurt. Who it would be and whether it would be physically or emotionally, was still yet to be decided. The way the night was unfolding, anything could happen.

One by one, the guys disappeared to different corners of the lounge; to the bar for a drink, to say hello to a familiar face or to chase a particularly attractive backside, leaving Sango and Kagome standing alone in the entryway.

"Hmm, what do you say to having a jager-bomb with me? My treat," offered Sango after a moment of uncomfortable silence. Although she hadn't been with the band since its formation, at times Sango seemed to understand her on a much deeper level than any of the other guys she claimed to hold close, tonight being one of those times. She could tell that Kagome did not want to be there, otherwise she would have never suggested to have jager with her, let alone buy it.

Walking up to the bar front, the women took up two vacant stools at the end of the counter, in front of a particularly attractive bartender. Again, Kagome had an inclination that this spot was not chosen by mere coincidence. Sango turned to the man to order their drinks and Kagome's eyes followed. He was definitely not unattractive, this his long silver hair and light hazel eyes that appeared cold, yet at the same time, exuded mystery and serenity. Suddenly two glasses were shoved into her field of vision by her friend.

"Bottoms up," Sango smiled, nudging the drink towards her. Kagome grabbed them, looking into the black, tar-like alcoholic substance in the shot glass.

Well, why the hell not? If she was forced to be here, might as well drink until she didn't give a damn anymore. The two girls raised their glasses to one another, dropped their shots into the fizzing liquid and quickly emptied them.

"I really don't understand why you like these so much," Sango said, shuttering and placing the glassware onto the bar front with a clink. Kagome just shrugged.

"Hmm, what next?" she went on before turning once again to the inexplicably stoic man behind the counter, "A tequila sunrise, please, and…"

"A red-headed slut, drink, not shot," Kagome finished.

"What's with you and jager?" Sango inquired of the other girl with a confused expression, turning her attention back to the girl next to her.

"It's delicious," Kagome answered with a shrug as if it was obvious, "What about your love affair with tequila?"

"Hey now! Tequila's a respectable drink. It's like Mexican water," she laughed. The two continued mock bickering over drink preferences as their order arrived.

"To, uh…life? Sango asked, raising her glass.

"To not living on that bus with the guys anymore," Kagome corrected.

"To no more waking up, finding a naked Miroku passed out on the couch," the other added, looking quite disgusted.

"To no more finding a blacked out InuYasha in my bed!" The two women continued listing off obscure things to celebrate, draining their glasses all the while.

By drink number three, a standard rum and coke, Kagome was finally beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol kick in. Although more aggressive and 'tom-boyish' by nature, when given alcohol, Kagome's girly side came out to flourish.

"So, Sango," she said in a hushed voice, wearing a sly smile, "What's going on with you and Miroku?"

"What are you talking about?" Sango accused, averting her eyes, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"Oh don't give me that! You may be able to deny it with the guys, but not with me. I see things. I know things…" Kagome said with more confidence and a louder tone.

"Ugh," Sango sighed, resting her head on her crossed arms on the bar top, "I don't know anymore, Kagome. I mean, he's an idiot and will hit on anything with boobs. Seriously, throw a nice rack on InuYasha, and he'll probably go after him too!"

"No he…well, I mean, I know he's bad, but not _that _bad."

"Yes he is Kagome, and you know it. Stop trying to make me feel better," another sigh, "Why the hell did the world destine me to fall for that idiot? _I _don't even know what I see in him! Watch, this will be just some cruel joke fate chose to play on me."

"Stop giving yourself such a hard time. Does he even know how you feel? You never know, maybe if he did, he's stop being such a womanizer…"

"He should know by now…" Sango sank lower in her chair.

"He should? Sango!" Kagome berated, "Why haven't you told him?"

"I didn't think I had to spell it out for him. Everyone else picked up on it pretty easily."

"When has Miroku ever been a part of 'everyone else' in anyway? He's as dense as a rock, Sango, you of all people should know this!"

"I know, I know," she admitted. Kagome, ever the good friend, began scanning the room for the man in question. She spotted him in no time, located in a corner of the room, surrounded by a group of unabashed fan girls. Kagome couldn't help but laugh to herself at the walking dichotomy that was Miroku. Throughout their childhood and early years as a band, his obsession with women was met with fervent disapproval, by those who saw his actions and the women he harassed themselves. They would never even be in the same room as him if they had a choice in the matter, for fear his hands would wader south, as they often did. However, shortly after the release of their debut album, The Future in The Past, their attitudes toward him shifted. Instead of screaming when he reached where he wasn't supposed to, they playfully batted him away; instead of chastising his behavior, they rewarded him with much more than praise, perpetuating his actions. No wonder he hadn't picked up the not-so-subtle hints Sango was dropping.

"Well, we just might have to change something then," Kagome sad more to herself than her friend.

"Wait, Kagome. What are you…?"

"HEY! Miroku! COME HERE FOR A MINUTE!"

"Kagome!" Sango hissed, pulling her friends face to her own, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Giving you an opportunity to fix this."

"Fix it?! I just need to get over it, that's how I'm going to fix it!" she nearly screamed.

"Fix what, love?" came Miroku's masculine voice from behind her, using the pet name he coined for her years ago.

"Your face, that's what," she replied harshly, although Kagome could tell that it was simply a façade. Sango would never retort with a remark as pathetic as 'your face' unless she felt cornered.

"Aw, what's wrong with my face?" he asked playfully, slinging an arm around Sango's shoulders, "I happen to like my face, don't you?"

"Get off me, you pervert," Sango said scrambling to remove herself from his clutches, face flushing pink.

"Sango," Kagome started, standing up. Everything would be put out in the open tonight between those two if she had any say in the matter, "You might as well tell him. Everyone else already knows."

"Already knows what?" Miroku asked Sango, jovial spirit still abundant.

"It's _nothing_!" she answered, staring at Kagome instead, eyes full of loathing.

"It's not nothing, and you know it. It affects us all, especially the two of you," Kagome smiled mischievously. She was setting her friend up and both girls were well aware of it. She would eventually pay for her treachery, but, hopefully, Sango would thank her as well.

Getting up without another word, Kagome grabbed her half-emptied drink and took her leave from the couple at the bar front. The bar had definitely gotten louder and rowdier since they had arrived, most likely due to the alcohol rather than the addition of more people. She chose an empty table in a shrouded corner, littered with used glassware, to place herself for the time being. A perfect place to people-watch from, she reasoned. Had Kagome not gone on to tour the country, playing music, she most likely would have gone to school and studied psychology and sociology. Something about the way people interacted and their chosen actions fascinated her, and, thus, people-watching had become a bit of a hobby.

Looking around the rest of the room, she easily spotted the other guys. They weren't exactly easy to miss, surrounded by groups of their fans, most of whom were women. Shippou, the smallest and most childlike of the group, had attained a small, albeit, loyal fan base, due to his non-stereotypically ways. Many girls loved his innocent demeanor, proving once and for all that not all musicians were arrogant assholes. Guys, too, were numerous amongst his followers. The fact that he played an abnormal instrument for a post-hardcore band, and yet still made a significant contribution to the sound of the music as a whole gave hope to those that hadn't started playing guitar at age three, that they too could still break into the industry. Kagome chuckled to herself at the scene before her. Currently, Shippou was entertaining two small girls, whom Kagome expected probably weren't even legally allowed to be in the bar yet, with his feats of sleight of hand. One, with blonde hair, streaked with black highlights, squealed loudly as he pulled a fake flower out from behind her ear and gave her a shy smile, while the other, with short black hair pulled into two pigtails, glared at her with a look of heated jealousy from over his shoulder.

Kagome couldn't help but smile again. Knowing Shippou, he would probably remain completely oblivious to the unspoken competition for his attention between the girls. Although, if anyone deserved their time in the sun, it was him. In high school, he was constantly looked over, and not just because of his size. With outgoing and troublemaking friends like InuYasha, Miroku and Kouga, it was very easy for him to be seen as the little tag-along. Not quite belonging to the group, and yet still there. Kagome couldn't count how many times she had to soothe his self-esteem, or reprimand the others from their poor treatment of him. It felt, sometimes, as if she had become his surrogate mother instead of his friend. Overtime, though, Shippou had attained more confidence and self-worth, and had grown into his own person. Although he still occasionally snuck into Kagome's bed at night to fall asleep with her, like old days.

Kagome continued to sip away at her drink as it got dangerously close to being gone. From across the room she pied InuYasha leaning against the wall with a busty dark-haired girl hanging from his neck. For a fraction of a second, she had thought that his eyes had drifted towards hers before flickering back to the women before him. He leaned forward and whispered something into her ear that cause her to lean back and start at him with a seductive giggle.

Oh, damn. Time for a harder drink.

She waved down a meandering cocktail waitress and ordered an AMF. Kagome had always been told to watch out for anything brightly colored, but tonight wasn't in any sort of mood to heed that kind of warning. After receiving her order, she quickly drained half of the glass before continuing to look around the room.

Kouga sat halfway between her and InuYasha at a table complete occupied by females. Kagome sighed deeply to herself at the sight. Of course the only people around him were women, she shouldn't have been surprised. Most guys couldn't tolerate his presence longer than was absolutely necessary due to his insufferable arrogance. It was a miracle that he was even able to keep friendships with the other men in the band without losing body parts.

Slowly, Kouga reached out and twirled a lock of hair belonging to a red-head in a mini skirt between his fingers. Her pigtails and chest bounced exuberantly as she giggled at the attention lavished so thoroughly upon her by someone as well-known as him. Forget the fact that he only wanted her for her body. Forget the fact that come morning he probably wouldn't remember nor particularly care what her name was. The only thing that mattered to either of them tonight was their instant emotional and physical gratification.

Kagome scoffed. It was truly disgusting watching these people throw back copious amounts of alcohol, act with no moral regard, then blame it on the liquor and go on with their lives as if they bore no responsibility. She continued sipping at her electric blue drink and laughed. She wasn't really one to judge though. She wasn't entirely innocent herself.

Throughout her years in primary and secondary school, Kagome was never one to follow the crowd or 'jump on the band wagon.' When girls her age were playing with dolls, she was playing with Legos. When they started noticing boys, she had already been playing backyard baseball and street hockey with them for years. They picked up make-up, she picked up drum sticks.

Sip. Stare.

In a way, she kind of envied these fan girls. No, not in intelligence, will power, or moral fiber, but in the way that others saw them.

Growing up around boys, without many girlfriends to call her own, Kagome would be constantly thrown into the role of 'one of the guys.'

"Of course Kagome wouldn't think like a girl. She _is_ Kagome, after all."

"Why would she actually want to date? She's _Kagome_. She doesn't date."

With the exception of an adorably naïve boy when she was fifteen, no guy had seen her as 'dateable material.' She was just 'Kagome.' However, after Adelaide started becoming more well known and gaining larger audiences, everything changed seemingly overnight.

She wasn't 'that weird drummer girl' anymore. People saw her as a woman: attractive, talented, worthy of attention. With such new circumstances so suddenly, Kagome didn't see any other way to handle it all except by diving in, head first.

Binging, sleeping through practices, or waking up with unknown men in her bed were becoming less than abnormal occurrences. Although she was not the only one who had let the band's newfound success go to their head, none of the other members had let themselves get to the brink of self destruction. To the guys, no matter how crazy their partying had gotten, the bad always came first. To Kagome, her first priority had become seeking out and receiving the attention she felt that she had missed out on so much throughout school. The others recognized her destructive behavior, but regardless of their concerns, nothing was able to show her just how detrimental her path was.

It wasn't until the summer after Adelaide had released their first mainstream album, nearly two years prior, that reality had finally struck. It was their first time playing at a festival, but it was their first touring one, stopping in twenty or so different cities around the country. Near the end of the first leg of the tour, the band had once again gather together with other groups and fans alike to celebrate their success so far. Only an hour into the party and Kagome had already finished off her own six-pack and couldn't recall how many shots of hard alcohol she had consumed. The rest of the night continued on in a blur of lights and sounds, of which she could still only remember a few glimpses years later.

What she did recall, she didn't want to.

Kagome sighed and finished off her drink before beginning to chew on the remnants of ice. She remembered waking up on a park bench, alone, in the middle of an unknown city, head screaming in pain, missing her left shoe. To make matters worse, after hours of searching the night before, the band had to move on with the rest of the tour, leaving her confused and broke with no way to get to the venue of the next show, if she could even figure out where that was in the first place.

Somehow, she had managed to make it back to the tour in one piece, hours later, only to discover that Adelaide had already played their set with a stand in drummer. Although she knew that she had no right, considering her behavior the night previous, Kagome couldn't help but feel insulted. She was the one who put in countless hours practicing in InuYasha's basement throughout high school. She was the one who had saved every penny for years in order to help fund the band's equipment and travel expenses. She was the one who had all but given up her youth, and her future, in order to make the band succeed. The fact that they could replace her so effortlessly hit home harder than she had anticipated, making her second guess everything she had done leading up until then.

It didn't help matters that when she had finally caught up with the guys, they promptly ignored her, with the exception of a look of sympathy from Shippou. She had approached InuYasha hesitantly, expecting a thorough tongue lashing and knowing that he was respected enough by the others so that his word would be the last on the subject. He had simply stared coldly down at her for a while before speaking.

"Ger your shit together, Kagome," he had said calmly, yet harshly, "I won't tolerate your behavior anymore. We're a family, a tribe, a pack. _Nothing_ comes before the well being of the pack. Nothing."

The boys had walked away, leaving Kagome to her thoughts under the setting sun. She knew they were right. The attention of the strange men meant nothing at the end of the day. The boys were the ones who had shown an awkward looking school girl attention, after all, seeing her for more than as she appeared. Miroku was always there to help with school work if she had ever had a question. Kouga showed up every morning at her house, no matter the weather, to go running before the sun came up. Shippou was always there to run off to play at the park or enjoy a board game with her when she wanted to forget about her responsibilities for a time. And InuYasha…

InuYasha. She shouldn't have been acting like that. Not around him. If anything, she had owed him that. He had been there for her though everything, the hard times and the good. He'd been there for her when she broke her leg on the monkey bars when she was nine. When she got her first drum kit at eleven. When her father died and when her mother remarried. They day her brother Souta was born, he even ran on foot all the way to the hospital across town with her.

He was even there on that day.

Kagome tipped her glass back to get the last few pieces of ice from the bottom, which then, thanks to gravity, promptly fell onto her upturned face. She chuckled a bit to herself as she wiped the water off her nose with the arm warmer on the back of her hand before eating the frozen cubes. One thing Kagome could never resist after emptying a glass was twirling it around her finger, on the edge of the base. Round and round it went, weight shifting ever more off center with each pass before clattering down to its side on the tabletop. Her cheeks flushed a bit because of the presumed attention she would draw by causing such a ruckus, unaware that no one in the bar would care enough to even spare a glance her way, save one pair of golden eyes that continued their stare down with her unnoticing stormy blue-gray ones.

The music in the bar continued changing tracks every few minutes without ever really changing their stylistic character. Kagome scoffed.

'Amateurs,' she thought to herself. Sure these types of musicians, if you could call them that, would become popular for a time, maybe even staying up on the charts longer than expected. But, because of their cookie-cutter sound and weak foundations, their fame would quickly fade, leaving them with nothing to fall back on but their mommies, sub-par musical abilities and part time jobs at the local subway. What a life…

One things Kagome, and Adelaide as a whole, prided herself on was staying true to the music and letting it guide them wherever it may. Essentially, giving the popular trends of the day a big 'Fuck You!'

Kagome continued people watching. Four drinks thus far was her limit of the evening, especially considering what her last one had been. She couldn't deny that she was a little drunk, but her desire to ward off the impending hangover the next morning resulted in the large glass of water now in front of her.

The next hour passed relatively uneventful in her eyes, other than Sango and Miroku mysteriously disappearing in the first twenty minutes. Kouga was becoming more forward in his advances on his female audience with each additional drink he consumed. Shippou continued to be oblivious to the now less than silent competition between the two girls sitting with him. InuYasha still had the scantily clad, dark-haired woman draped over him.

Kagome ground her teeth together and dug her short fingernails into the palms of her hands with nearly enough force to break the skin. She had to tear her eyes away. She couldn't watch him, any longer, But as much as the scene before her made her chest feel as if it was about to explode, she was unable to stop staring.

She should have been used to this by now, seeing InuYasha with other women. Hell, she had been with other men around him, making her complaints more than slightly hypocritical. Scratch that. Completely unfounded. Yes, that sounded more accurate. Only, he was different.

He was supposed to be there for her whenever she needed it. How could he do that when he was with another girl? No one else could fill the hole in her life she had unconsciously created for him alone.

Her eyes bore holes into the wall behind her friend and the woman.

No more. It was beginning to border masochism. She couldn't take it. The room was becoming stifling. She had to get out and go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it was far away from here.

Thankful for her use of cash that evening, Kagome shoved a few dollars in tip money under her glass and headed for the door, to which she made it without looking back at him again. She didn't want to see his face right now. Or even worse yet, run the risk of locking eyes for even a moment.

No, she had to leave now.

As quickly as she could, Kagome ran over the threshold of the bar door, ignoring the questions the bouncer yelled after her. She couldn't stop. At least not until she was safe, from prying eyes, inquisitive looks and her own self destructive thoughts.

Shadows from buildings and streetlights swirled by in a blur of colors and shapes as she ran further and further away from the bar. She didn't know where her feet were carrying her, although she didn't care too much at the moment.

Somewhere safe, somewhere safe. Where could she go that was somewhere safe?

She kept running.

Running.

Anywhere, please, god.

Kagome's vision was starting to become hazy. She brought her hand up to rub her eye and rid herself of what she thought was just buildup on her contacts, only to find her eyes already wet.

When had she started crying? Hot streams trickled down her cheeks, instantly cooling in the midnight air. When had she started to care more than before? She was usually able to keep everything bottled up until she was safe in her own bed, where no one could hear her muffled sobs, ask awkward questions, or repeat the harsh truths of reality. She had never had to run from a painful situation before. She was stronger than that.

Or at least she had been. Before her breaking point.

For minutes that seemed to melt away into hours, Kagome ran. Ran to an unknown refuge, lodged somewhere in that god-forsaken city. She had to get away. Finally, wasn't able to go any further as her legs gave way beneath her, throwing her body to the cold, hard ground. She braced herself for the impact only to be pleasantly surprised that what she thought would be a concrete mattress was actually the recently mowed grass of a city park. Kagome buried her nose into the lawn, inhaling deeply its fresh cut scent, and chuckled. Good thing she wasn't allergic. Keeping the rest of her body flat on the ground, she turned her head to the side and stared at her the greenery around her, half hidden by the darkness of the night. Only vaguely could she make out the shapes of the trees and adorning shrubbery. Continuing to look around, Kagome couldn't at all tell from which direction she had originally come. Large sky scrapers and a seemingly out of place clock tower could be seen beyond the grounds of the park, lighting up the sky in a haze, hiding the stars in plain sight. She rolled over onto her back, spreading her arms and legs out in snow angel fashion, head spinning from the quick movements and inebriating liquid coursing through her veins.

She remembered, as a teenager, when some friends used to joke about being so drunk that they would wind up on the front lawn, trying to hold onto the grass so that they didn't fall off the world. As Kagome wound her fingers in between the blades, she could now say that she knew the sensation.

A rustle a short ways away brought her out of her reverie and right back to her current situation: she was drunk and alone in a deserted park in an unknown city. If she screamed, no one would hear. If she died, no one would know until morning. Her breathing increased pace to match her pounding heart as her thoughts raced around to find a solution for her predicament. If it was an animal, her best bet was to stay still and hope it ignored her. If it was a person, her only choice was to lay still and hope that they ignored her. Either way, attempting to run away in her current condition was out of the question. She slowed her breathing and stared blankly into the sky, praying to any god she could think of that whatever or whoever had stumbled across her path would leave her be.

Much to her dismay, the crunch of heavy steps against the grass was coming closer to her prostrate position with each passing moment. Within a few breaths, it was close enough that she could feel its presence. A few more, and its shadow was looming over her now closed eyes. If death was coming, she didn't want to give it the satisfaction of seeing her fear nor did she want to see her killer's bloodlust in his eyes. If death was coming, she wanted it over quickly. If death was coming, she would get to see her daddy again…

"What the fuck are you doing?" yelled an eerily familiar voice. The rough tenor of the words spoken felt too unreserved not to pique her curiosity. Kagome cracked one eye open to spy upon the visitor, who she found standing over her form. The outline of what appeared to be a very masculine woman or a very feminine man, she couldn't tell which, was silhouetted against the light polluted sky.

"What the fuck are you doing?" the voice repeated, "Get the hell off the ground, wench."

That did it. She knew who this person was, and by god if it wasn't the last person on the face of the planet that she wanted to see right then.

"Go away, InuYasha," Kagome said weakly, bringing her hands to her face to cover her swollen eyes from his sight.

"Like hell I will," he retorted back angrily, "Every time you run off like this I wind up cleaning up your messes. Not tonight. I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"Go away, InuYasha," she said again with more fervor, "You really are the last person I want to see right now."

"No," he protested, lowering himself onto the ground next to her, hurt barely audible in his voice, not that Kagome caught it, "I'm sick of you pulling this shit. You drink, run off and do something stupid, expecting me to take care of everything in the morning. Do you _know_ how many asses I've had to kick because of you? I don't want to deal with it anymore, so there's no way you're getting rid of me tonight. Get used to it."

Kagome knew it was useless to fight with him right now because the only thing it would accomplish would be to make her feel worse than she already did.

Why did they always fight? No matter how small or insignificant the subject, the two of them argued as if their honor depended on it. In some ways, yes this was true, but only in each other's eyes did this problem exist. InuYasha was just too stubborn to realize when he was dead wrong. And Kagome…

…Kagome had her own more calculative reasons that had nothing to do with the subject matter at all. She knew that in comparison to the girls who regularly threw themselves at him, she could never measure up. She wasn't as pretty, wasn't as gentle, wasn't as feminine. She was aggressive, stubborn, and blunt, a combination no one would want in a girl. To her, the only way she felt she could compete with those pretty girls was with her intelligence and wit. She wanted InuYasha to recognize that she was knowledgeable in many areas, even those he might not have been. If she was smart enough, he might start paying more attention to her. Although, after years of bickering back and forth, and his continued failure to acknowledge her in the way she wanted, the fighting had become more habit than anything else.

Kagome felt the sting behind her eyes signaling that she could very soon make a fool out of herself again. She had to be strong. She just had to. She had never showered her weak side to people, with the exception of InuYasha, and only a couple times at that. He had been there when her daddy died and she didn't leave her room for a week. And he was there that day.

Tears began to make their way down her cheeks from behind her shielding hands. Sobs welled up in her chest, but she dare not let them pass her lips.

No one knew about that day, save her family and him. The other guys didn't even know. She didn't want anyone else to know. It showed her weakness, and she couldn't be strong if people knew it. Although simply remembering it broke the levy holding back the flood of sobs.

"Whoa, Kagome," InuYasha said, startled at the highly unusual barrage of tears, "What's wrong with you? You okay?"

She didn't have the composure to answer him as her body violently shook with each ragged breath she drew in. She didn't have the right to burden him with her petty problems. Not with what he had dealt with throughout his life: his father dying the day he was born, the disease that ravaged his mother, eventually killing her, being shuttled from foster home to foster home before a distant relative, his Great Aunt Kaede, took pity on him and took him in. It seemed that the only stability in his youth was Kagome and the guys. In comparison to InuYasha's history, her insecurities were downright pitiful. She had no right to feel this way. There was no right for that day to have even happened. What self righteous thoughts she had been thinking!

InuYasha continued calling her name as images flashed through her mind…

Why? Why was she here? Why was she here putting up with all the same shit over and over again?

There it sat.

She tried running. But running only staved it off. She tried accepting and dealing with it. That only made it more noticeable. She tried ignoring it. Ignoring it made things worse. Boiled over. And that's where she was now.

Tempting.

But what else could she do? God damn people. Always wanting her to 'talk' about it. They said 'talking' made it go away. Humph. How would they know? They didn't know shit. They didn't know what happened, what it does. Fuck them and their 'talking.'

Staring.

She knew she wasn't the only one. People always said that. Well, fuck that doesn't help. They said they knew what she was going through. Like hell. They'd pretend. Pretend they knew. Tell her she wasn't alone. Well that just made her feel worse. Like she was insignificant because others had beaten it, and she couldn't.

Watching.

What could she do? God!

Waiting.

Maybe, just maybe…

Wanting.

She was just so tired of it not leaving her alone. What happened then. What happened now. All the fucking time. What if…

Patiently.

Sango would hate her at first. But she'd get over it. Her mom would cry, like all mothers do. But life would go on. She'd still have Souta. Sure, he would probably cry too. But he'd get over it soon enough. Her step father? Ha. He probably couldn't care less. Sure he'd put on the façade, if only for her mom. And what of the guys? Sure Shippou would probably be the most upset. He saw her as an adoptive mother figure…or big sister. Whichever. The others would just replace her, and move on.

Calling.

InuYasha. Damn. She hated to admit it, but she'd miss him the most. Sure he'd never know either way in the end. And he'll sure as hell never know her feelings for him. She'd never on her life tell him. That's something too guarded. Too personal. But maybe, she'd say something. It was normally extremely out of character, but hell if she cared any more.

She lay there, staring up at the ceiling of her kitchen, back on the cold tile floor. Seconds to minutes. Minutes to hours. With a sideways glace at the microwave, she discovered the time was 2:48am.

Click. 2:49am.

Fuck it. If she was going to do it, then, damn it, do it. She reached up for the small notepad on the counter and the pen sitting next to it. Quickly, she scrawled something on the top sheet and tore it off before reaching to her now, flat, can of Cherry Coke.

One. Gulp.

Two. Gulp.

Three. Gulp.

Nine. Gulp.

Seventeen. Gulp.

Twenty three. Gulp…

She lay down again softly, in the same position she had just vacated.

Click. 2:52am.

Would it hurt? No, she didn't regret it. She just wondered. She didn't like pain in the first place. Hopefully she'd just fall asleep.

Click. 2:54am.

She looked up at the pristine little post-it clutched in her hand. God. She was an idiot. She'd written a note. A fucking note! How stereotypical could she get? She crumpled the piece of paper in her fist before chucking it across the room, bouncing off the cabinet before it came to a rest on the floor, not five feet from her left foot.

Her eyes started to feel heavy.

Click. 2:57am.

It's a weird feeling. Counting down the minutes until they didn't count anymore.

Did she regret this? No. Still the answer was no. Always it would be no.

Click. 2:58am.

She could feel the light thumping of her heart against her rib cage. She could hear it in her ears. Softly at first. Then growing, become more urgent, loud, demanding. Demanding something of her she couldn't give.

Click. 2:59am.

She couldn't keep her eyes open anymore and her vision began to swirl. Colors, shapes, lights, and…sounds? Seeing sounds? Well that wasn't expected. But who the hell was she to judge what being stoned off her ass like this would feel like. But closing her eyes, she was able to bring a slight form of relief.

Click. 3:00am.

Any regret yet? Nope. Not about this. Sure, about other things she had done, or rather, not done. But in the end, those things were less than meaningful. In the end, they didn't change the circumstances of life.

Click. 3:01am.

Darkness over took her senses, and warmth enveloped her mind in a cocoon of blissful ignorance.

…Eventually, InuYasha was the one to find her lying on her kitchen floor

"Kagome!" InuYasha continued yelling. Seeing her so broken was so unheard of that he didn't know what else to do but yell at her until she responded. Kagome rolled over onto her side and grabbed his arm, hugging it to her chest. Completely oblivious to his reddening face and suddenly stilled movements, she pulled the appendage close as she could to her beating heart. He just didn't understand what he was to her. He wasn't simply a fellow band member, a friend, or even a love interest. He was her pillar of strength. He was the reason she was able to get up in the morning. Without him, only god knew if she would have survived that day.

He had found her on her kitchen floor only a couple hours after she had passed out. He said that the reason he had some by in the first place was that he was to pick her up for band practice that morning. With her family on vacation at the time, doctors said it was by pure luck that he came when he did. Any later, they said, and she would have succeeded in her attempt.

But Kagome knew the truth.

Yes, they had band practice that morning, but not until three hours later than what he told the doctors. Her missed phone calls and text messages from him spoke volumes when he himself admitted nothing, and for that, she was grateful. The last thing she had wanted was to be reminded of what she had done, but his silent acknowledgement and support meant the world. He sat there, day after day, beside her hospital bed, bringing with him pieces of normality she had never thought she would treasure so much: missed homework, cards from friends and classmates wishing her well in recovering from her bout of the 'flu,' CDs of bands he's recently discovered.

As much as she refused to talk about it, Kagome continued crying herself to sleep each night after he left, wishing deep down that he would embrace her and tell her that everything was going to be alright.

After a week nursing her body and mind in the sanctity of the hospital, the doctors sent her on her way, with a prescription for a year's worth of psychological counseling as a souvenir. Of course InuYasha was there the day she was set to be released with a friendly smile and a slap on the back. On the way out of the building, he quickly pulled her aside to an empty waiting room before wrapping his arms tightly around her shoulders and buying his face into her neck. Kagome instantly went ramrod straight at the uncharacteristic show of affection. His breath had been hot against her skin and the feel of a rapidly beating heart was felt against her chest, unknown whether it belonged to herself or InuYasha.

"Don't do that again," he spoke softly, refusing to lift his head, "I knew you weren't doing well that night and I still left you alone. You have no idea how scared I was when you weren't answering my calls. You always answer when it's me. I've been running it over in my mind for days, and keep asking myself what if I had asked you about what was going on, what if I had seen sooner. If I was a better friend, you would have never have had to resort to that. Don't try to take all this on alone. From now on, I promise that I'll always be there for you."

Kagome finally sighed and gave into the embrace.

"Yasha, you couldn't have done anything. No one could have. I'm just completely messed up," she responded, feeling the hot sting of tears behind her eyes, "I just…I have no right to be feeling this way, but I am. I have a loving family, caring friends and no hardships to speak of, and now I'm crying like something terrible happened. I just shouldn't be feeling this way. I mean I should be able to get through this…"

"No Kagome," InuYasha said, pulling her closer, "That's why I'm here. I'm here to be strong for you when you can't be. You've always been there for me. It's time I return the favor."

"But," she protested, "I should be stronger than this. I mean, who am I if I can't even overcome my own thoughts? I'd be worth nothing…"

"No!" he said again, more forcefully this time, yet still with compassion, "Don't listen to those kinds of lies! There's no reason why you should go through this alone."

"I don't get it, InuYasha," she cried into his chest, "Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so worthless?"

The winter she turned 18, Kagome and InuYasha stood there in that abandoned hospital waiting room, clinging to each other as if no one else in the world mattered, willing themselves to be strong enough to continue to stand together.

How could she continue to go on if he wasn't there? Damn her and her codependent thoughts. But she couldn't deny the impact that he had on her life, even then.

"Please don't leave me," Kagome whispered into his arm in between heavy breaths.

"What did you say?" he asked, puzzled at her muffled voice.

"Please, don't leave me," she said looking up at him, eyes shining with tears. The expression of shock he wore said clearly that that was not what he was expecting her to say.

"What are you talking about, Kagome?" his confusion more evident.

"That girl, 'Yasha," she said softly.

"Hey, Kagome, you are going to have to be a little more specific. I don't really know what you're talking about-"

"What girl, InuYasha?" Kagome yelled, sitting up and looking him squarely in the eye, "That whore with the fake boobs and butt floss riding up her hips. The one you couldn't keep her hands off of in the bar. God, you idiot. Fucked too many girls that you can't keep 'em all straight now?!"

"What the hell, Kagome?" he yelled back, puzzled, "One minute you're crying your eyes out, the next you're screaming at me? What the fuck is going on?"

"I just," she said, softer now, looking down to her clenched fists in her lap, "I just don't want you to leave me."

"But why would I?"

"Because of that girl," tears were flowing free again, dripping off her face, leaving their evidence on her jeans below, "That girl and all the others, too. You'll find a girl you want, and I become second best. I don't want to be second to some girl you just met. You said you'd always be my strength. You said you'd always be there for me! When that day comes, you won't be there anymore. I don't know what I'll do. I just don't want that day to come."

As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she had made a big mistake. She had just spilled her innermost worries about InuYasha to him. Why did she do that? Oh no, where was the undo button to life? Why hadn't she stopped herself before emotionally vomiting all over him? There was no reason for him to know all the emotional crap that went through her mind. That would only add to the baggage that he already carried with him every day because of his past. No, no, no. This was a mistake. He had said after that day, that he wanted to know what was going on in her mind and anything difficult she was struggling with, but there was no way that he could have meant things pertaining to himself, nor would she normally tell him. But that night wasn't normal. Oh God, why did she have to drink that evening?

She couldn't look him in the face anymore. At least, not now. Kagome doubled over, crying harder into her lap as the crickets sang their nocturnal song.

Suddenly, InuYasha reached out his arms, scooping the crying girl into his lap. Wrapping his arms about her midsection, he nuzzled into the crook of her neck, the way he did that winter five years ago.

"Is that what you're scared of? Kagome, you're the most important person in my life. Because of you, I grew up to actually be somewhat normal," he chuckled before pulling back to look at her directly, "I've told you this before, but let me say it again: I will never leave you alone again."

Silence engulfed the two, broken only by Kagome' soft sobs, as they sat there in the deserted park, busy city bustling on without them. Time, in the end, stops for no man, as hard as one may try.

Hours drifted by, and the indications of day break were beginning to show in the lightening hues of the sky. InuYasha and Kagome lay in the grass, a tangle of limbs, enjoying the solace of the moment. Kagome knew that she had a long journey ahead of her to get back finally be comfortable with her own mind, but somehow, she felt that with him by her side, she might be able to accomplish just that.

"Hey Kagome?" InuYasha asked suddenly, voice slicing sharply through the air.

"Hmm?"

"Have you ever thought about telling the guys what happened?"

Kagome kept quiet, contemplating the words he just spoke.

"I just thought it might be good if you were able to share your experiences…"

"Hey everyone!" Cheers erupted from the audience in front of the stage, "Thanks for coming out tonight. We definitely wouldn't be here tonight without you guys coming out to support us." More cheers.

"This next song is actually a new one for you, from our new EP, set to be released in October, but because you guys are so awesome, we thought we'd play it for you," InuYasha's voice echoed off the canyon walls where the festival had set up its operations, "So, this song is a bit different from other's that we've done. We usually get our inspiration for the music we write from our own lives, but this next one hits much closer to home. I'm sure you've all heard my crazy ass story, with my messed up past and screwed up home life," applause broke out yet again, "but I'm not the only one from Adelaide who's gone through a lot in order to get to where we are. Kagome…"

InuYasha, turned around, looking at the drummer expectantly as she made her way from behind the kit to the microphone waiting for her at the front of the stage. Murmurs crept through the crowd like a wave as she cleared her throat. Adelaide's drummer had never spoken on stage before. They knew she was an amazing musician, but that was about it. The fact that she was actually going to address the audience as huge. The crowd waited with baited breath.

"Hey everyone," she started tentatively, whispers still running rampant, "So, this song is a bit hard hitting and may speak to many of you out there. I wish I could claim that I wrote this one, but the credit actually goes out to InuYasha over there, who wrote it about five years ago when some bad stuff was going down.

"I grew up in the same town as the guys here, same schools, and same group of friends. You name it, we did it together. I lived with my mom, step dad and little brother, all of whom supported Adelaide here in our dream to bring our music to the masses. Although my daddy died with I was young, my youth was, by in part, fairly normal. But something was off. I couldn't exactly tell what it was, but after I turned sixteen I just started feeling like something was not right. I was unjustifiably unhappy, lashing out at everyone around me, and crying myself to sleep night after night. I felt terrible about myself, and what made matters worse, was that I didn't know why, perpetuating the downward spiral of worthlessness. 'I shouldn't be feeling this way, so there's something wrong with me. I have no right…' I reasoned this in my head over and over again, believing that I was unfounded in my worries and feelings, that telling anyone would be more a burden on them than anything else. By the time I was 18, I was so sick and tired of not understanding what the hell was going on that I thought that ending everything would be the best solution to everything: no more feeling like crap and no one would have to worry about me anymore.

"One winter night, when my parents were gone, I took twenty three Ativan with the last half of my soda before passing out on the kitchen floor."

The murmurs got louder after she finished her sentence. No way had they ever thought that was possible. Not the drummer of Adelaide. They were so famous that they must have had everything together. Miroku, Kouga and Shippou even exchanged looks from across the stage. How had they not known? They had known Kagome since they were kids, so how had she gone through something like that under their noses?

"To be honest, I'm surprised that God even allowed me to live through that. I guess He has miraculous ways of working. For me, it was by sending me InuYasha. He was the one who had found me and brought me to the hospital only a few hours later. Honestly, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be standing here telling you my story. And for that I owe him my life.

"Through all that, I was able to learn something I wish I had earlier: you are never alone. Especially in something like depression. You may think that you have to get through it on your own, that you're worthless unless you do, but let me tell you right now that that is a lie. Friends and family are always there for you and care if you're struggling with something.

"Right now, before we play the song, let me ask of you this one last thing. Please, if you are one of the millions of people confused as to why you feel so crappy, who feel worthless for no apparent reason, or who feel as if everything would get better if you just ended it all, tell someone. There is no reason why you should try to get through it alone, because, trust me, you can't. Also, if you are a friend of or know someone who you think may be depressed or suicidal, talk to them and talk to someone who can help them. Teachers, doctors, and parents are all there to help.

"But again, the one thing to always keep in mind is that you are not alone…"

*It's a weird feeling. Counting down the minutes until they didn't count anymore. Once by result, now by choice. No longer do you have to be alone.*

It's just like him  
To wander off in the evergreen park  
Slowly searching  
For any sign of the ones he used to love  
He says he's got nothing left to live for  
(He says he's got nothing left)  
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone  
There's more to this I know  
You can make it out  
You will live to tell

She's just like him  
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies she's been fed  
She's searching for no one (but herself)  
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is here  
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone  
There is more to this I know  
You can make it out  
You will live to tell

You're not alone  
There is more to this I know  
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone  
There is more to this I know  
You can make it out  
You will live to tell

(So tell them)

You're not alone  
There is more to this I know  
You can make it out  
You will live to tell

You're not alone  
There is more to this I know  
You can make it out  
You will live to tell

You're not alone  
You're not, you're not alone

(You're Not Alone – Saosin)


End file.
